from top to toe right now as the heating takes its time getting up to temperature in my snuggery!! I never want to waste the electricity in our house so turn on and off when using or not using a room, but boy, do I wish I had done it before wanting to sit here and write!!
I was reading my book in the warmth of the living room. Then just reading wasn't enough. I wanted to write, talk, share, deal.
I am ready to embrace D. I can think of several words beginning with D but they are best summed up in one word: D is for Daring.
Do you remember that old pepsi cola advert involving a lengthy segment of rhyming words? "lip smacking, cool tasting, motivating" etc? Sometimes the English language reminds me of it since from being at school I was always required to not repeat the same word twice in a sentence when describing something. It worked brilliantly for expanding my vocabulary and it has remained a habit ever since.
(just thought I would throw that one in)! Possibly where my love for words was born.....
So D: what can I say about D? Where is Dick Dastardly when one needs him?!
How do I intend to dare today?
I am daring to write in a public arena for a start. I am daring to share private thoughts, experiences and emotions with unseen critics and I am daring to do it for several reasons.
People often ask why do you write a blog? Why did you keep a diary? What do you get out of it?
I guess I do it because it is a process of salvation and healing that I learnt from a very young age when I was unable to talk to people about my feelings or share my agonies with someone. I am a great bottler-upper. I can keep something so quiet and private that it eats my very innards up. I can stand huge amounts of emotional pain and worry without ever needing to share it - if I can write it down somewhere instead.
ca·thar·sis
Noun
- The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.
Writing is indeed my cathartic process of choice. It is probably a safe choice since it is a passive aggressive way out of having to battle conflict, for one thing, and because it enables one to distance oneself from others whilst still staying connected. It is also perhaps, my 'precious bane' (Paradise Lost). By writing I do not have to man up and face my opponent in the arena - I can give him a post to read and run away at the same time!!! - (what do you make of that, Gladiator)?!!
There was a comment in the book that mentioned making decisions.
It said that 'not making a decision still meant making a choice'. I think it was from a song lyric from a group I have never heard of, but no matter. When I was in C I was thinking choices; now I am in D, it is all about DECISIONS. I need to make them, we all do.
Talking to my son yesterday was a distressing conversation. It was full of shame in the context Brown uses it, and it was so brave and vulnerable at the same time. I know when my child is hurting. I know how he reacts and I know how he tries to push the world away as he builds up his wall around him. He uses anger, blame, rage, temper, all the emotional reactions he can think of that hurt others more than himself. Mostly I am his target. I stand there wearing my gladiator armour with my shield dropped low, feeling the blows bounce off my body whilst piercing my heart time and time again. I am absorbing his pain so that he doesn't have to feel it anymore. But am I really helping him? Am I being the best parent I can be at that moment? I wonder.
When one feels defeated, one retreats, regroups and re-emerges to fight the second round. What did I do? I decided I was going to think it through before replying. I was not going to dive into shame mode and agree with him that it 'is all my fault, this life of his'. I decided that I was going to not blame myself for how he feels. I decided that my life and his, though inextricably intertwined with one another, they are not the same. Our decisions, our damages, our daring greatly are personal. Individual. Based on our own experiences. On our characters. On our belief systems. On our ethics, our authenticity, our moral code. Ourselves from day 1 to to-day. I have almost 54 years of being me; he has almost 20. I need to be wiser, maturer, more compassionate. I need to be the teacher. I need to offer him something that he can take away and make sense of in his own value system. So I wrote him a letter. I sat down with all my angst and fear and shame and I wrote words I hope will affect him in his daring greatly journey. I am not asking for forgiveness. For absolution for all the decisions I have made in my life which he feels have impacted on his. I do not want to walk the same path as him. I do not need him to follow in my footsteps. I just hope he can reflect for a moment, grow a thicker skin, trust someone to understand his fears and his vulnerability in his uncertain world and know for sure, that he is not alone. Asking for help is not an admittal of failure. (its not a proper word but I like it so I am keeping it)! It is a sign of trust. Being right or wrong does not matter. Seeking advice is wisdom.
It is the Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference".
Sue xx
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