Darker days

I've had a little "time out" week.
It has done me good.
I wish I could say that my head feels clearer and my plans are firmer and the future more definite, but I don't think that is the case.
Small first steps have been made, however, and taking it just one step at a time is making the whole thing feel more possible somehow.
I think it is that all this just makes my heart feel so heavy and sad.
My pragmatic self sees no choice in terms of survival and recovery in the longer term, but my emotional self breaks apart at the seams and this conflicted state continues.

Perhaps it is the Pisces nature to always walk two paths simultaneously?
Swimming against the tide but oh so desperately wanting to be sweep upwards with it!
Trying to please everyone all of the time but least of all oneself?
Having a wish list of lovely things one yearns for...and then going and doing something nice for someone else instead!

Take me, for example. Everyone knows a KitchenAid tops my Christmas Wish List year in, year out.
It is within my grasp this year, thanks to an unexpected opportunity, yet what do I do? I think about the boys wish to learn to drive, and about his disappointment at 18 when it couldn't happen, and the unfairness of it all (reasons I don't wish to divulge) and I lean towards helping his wish come true, and leaving mine for some other time. Seeing him happy is worth it, wouldn't you agree? Knowing that being able to drive would help him in the future so much more than me being able to whisk a cake in no time at all!! Seems a no-brainer really when I put it like that....................

I think doing something nice for someone else takes priority as usual.
I feel good about that.

I will plan a day out with Ineke instead!! When shall we m'dear?............

Sue xx