Mindfulness...versus the chicken and the egg theory!

I know that living in the moment and taking care not to think

more than one day at a time is supposed to help.

Sometimes I can do it but lately it is the uncertainty of the future

that is causing me to think longer term.

And it is giving me sleepless nights.

I feel shattered and low and worn out really.

I lie awake during the night trying to figure out 

which is the right way to go, and all the pros and cons

associated with any decision I make.

Hardest of all is trying to decide what is right for ME

and not for anyone else.

No experience of it I suppose.

I always consider both sides of every story or situation

and try to find the best compromise possible

only this time there isn't one.

If I am to make a decision that I can act upon then I have 

to put me first, second and last.

Boy is that a proper headache!!!!

I am also a planner and I like to have things organised

and worked through so that I can see progress and make 

the steps I need to when I need to make them.

So we come to the chicken and the egg theory:

which comes first?

A job and then move or a move in order to get a job?

Being unemployed for 99% at the end of this month is giving rise

to the dilemma of staying here or going back to England.

That's it in a nutshell folks!!

Balancing the fact that my career is going nowhere here but is

salvageable back home;

Getting applications in successfully from abroad is difficult and 

expensive for interviews etc;

the urgent need to earn money!!!

A son here and a daughter back home;

Friends on both sides of the water!!

Love . . . .

Logistically I think it makes sense to move first, stay with 

someone for a while and go all out to find a job whilst in the country.

I can have that discussion soon.

Financially I need to be applying every day for jobs

if I am to claim unemployment benefit here for a few months.

And if I am determined I want to go home then that is a waste of time

both mine and any employers . . . . .

Caught between the proverbial Rock and a Hard Place I'd say!!

Hardly surprising I don't sleep is it?

Still, hoping that the solution will come to me soon.

Out of all the jobs I've applied for there is actually

just one that I really, really, really want.

It is perfect for me.

Too much to ask for?

Sue xx

Happy thoughts

Life right now is far from certain and certainly quite stressful.

So I thought this lovely photo of Ric and Becci at their

friends wedding last weekend might cheer us all up.

Just about one year from now it will be their special day.

WOW.

Time is going to fly.

Next weekend I am going to the Brides Dress Shops

with Becci and one of her bridesmaids to get a feel

for what she really wants and feels good in.

Can't give any details away but I am so looking forward to it!!

I will definitely cry, or at least shed a tear or two, that is a given.

I think any mother who sees her daughter in a wedding dress

will be moved to tears, right?

I just know she is going to be the most beautiful bride ever.

Just down to me to lose some weight and do her justice in 

whatever I decide to wear.

Slow start but that is okay.

Keep going, that is the thing.

Sometimes I wish I was a fidget and got rid of pounds just

by fretting for a day or two!

The level of my current stress ought to see me two stone 

lighter in about a week!!! 

But no. It changes every day, and its a fight for every ounce.

I think I could live on nothing and still gain weight

so I am going to ask for a blood test to determine whether this 

is a biological issue or not.

I think it will help.

Plus another operation to my right foot!

This year is the perfect opportunity to get that sorted

once and for all, so I have to bite the bullet and do it.

There. Said it. Got to do it now.

Sue xx

My goodness me!!

Where has the time gone?

Here we are already in August and the year

is two thirds through.

August always feels like the turning point of the year.

We have had spring and summer is well in progress

and autumn is fast approaching..

that only leaves winter before we start

all over again!!

So far, so good this summer.

I have spent some hours in the garden

this morning, tidying up the borders.

I am useless with straggly plants.

Once they cease to look pretty they have to go!

And the ones that have refused to grow this year too.

I ripped out the snail-ridden Geraniums and other

bedding plants that are too pathetic to admire.

I snipped the box hedge into shape.

I added the manured-soil in the last sack I had stashed.

I picked all the dead-heads off and trimmed back the 

Lavenders.

I got my hands dirty and it felt satisfying.

The front garden still needs attention.

There are weeds thriving everywhere I look

and some major cutting back in the cards.

It's just that it is too much for my knee still...

too heavy a job, so I keep putting it off.

This week though . . . .have to do it!

What else? 

Currently preoccupied with worrying about a job.

The website for work is terrible.

It either works at snails pace or not at all.

You ring up and they tell you to use the digital site.

You try to but it fails, time and time again.

You are forced to go to the Centre but can only go on

Tuesday afternoon for the drop-in service.

I hate it I really do.

But I will be unemployed as far as I can tell, 

by the end of this month and then I will have 

no income - which will lead to no anything else ultimately

and that is what scares me rigid.

So gardening, internetting, reading, sleeping..

all vicarious activities designed to help my stress levels

calm down!!!!

Is it working?

Not a lot!!!

Sue xx